I had EDNOS (most of you know this by now) and part of that different eating “rules”. Not at night, not in front of other people, only once a day, etc.
Fast forward 5 years. I’m happy and healthy. I’m kicking refined sugars and flours out of my diet. This is healthy. But I will still have them if eating out, cooked for by someone else… other cirrcumstances which I have only limited control over.
However, doing this also freaks me out a bit. And all I feel is “ugh I’m blowing my diet.” Even though I’ve always been a vegetarian I’ve never felt an urgency like this around that particular restriction. Its almost a fear, but I’m also an incredibly driven person—so its the same sort of dertermined feeling I get at work to do this NOW and do it RIGHT.
So now I’m going to spend half of my day cooking, eating, and working out.
The other half will be spent worried I’m relasping, although its been 5 years since I pretty miich “recovered”.
BAD TIMES, TUMBLR.
I cried hysterically for about 3hrs because I ate a big plate of food. I thought I was going to be fat forever because of it and felt bad for weeks.
I was probably around 170 then (middle “healthy” weight for my height) and I’m around 189 now. (“Over weight” according to the BMI scale.)
I am going to take a run in the morning, stuff my face with whatever I want all day, not feel the slightest ounce of guilt, and get back on fitness goals on Friday after this glorious cheat day.
Glorious, glorious cheat day….
Things I don’t really talk about: my thigh gap.
Yeah. That’s right. I’m still technically overweight and I have a thigh gap. Not when I walk, but when I stand. (You can see it in this picture too. My legs look like they’re far apart, but they’re feet together.)
And it’s not like I don’t have thunder thighs. My thighs are goddamn massive—toonns of muscle and still a good amount of fat. I don’t like wearing shorts. But still: when I stand, they don’t touch.
Now why is that? It’s all about anatomy. My hips are massive so my legs are set wide apart. That’s really it. My roommate is 120lbs and doesn’t have one because her hips are too narrow.
It literally has nothing to do with body fat.
Lessons learned here:
- The thigh gap is bullshit
- The BMI scale is bullshit
I cannot explain how much this post means to me. I don’t even know why except that I’m right there, two. I will legit cry the day I get below 200. And I was going to skip my work-out today cause I feel “icky,” but not going to anymore because of this post. Tumblr (aka all of you guys) have made all the difference.)
I’m 210lbs as of today. This is so weird, I even bounced on the scale and it went right back to 210.
So I guess it’s official! For the past 2 weeks I’ve just been eating right, I haven’t really been able to find enough time to get a quick workout in :(
Moms still sleeping, so cardio is out today.
10 more lbs and I’m in Onederland…..That’ll be the day I cry. Legit.
I gotta get ready for work
Getting to onederland was a great feeling, but getting down to the 180’s was fucking surreal. I haven’t weighed this little since I had an ED 6+ years ago. I still get totally blown away every time I step on the scale.
I think when I hit 170’s I’m going to have a panic attack…
Let me prefaces this with one thing: I don’t believe in diets.
A dramatic and short-term change in your eating or depriving yourself of foods you love might help you lose a few pounds momentarily, but they’ll all be back again. If you want to lose big and lose for life, you need to change your lifestyle around.
Here are three periods in my life to show you what lifestyle change can do for your weight and health. Hopefully you can take away something from it if you’re struggling with weight gain (or loss) and need a little nudge:
High School - EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) - Lost 15lbs in 1 year
- Ate small or no breakfast
- Went to school, didn’t eat or drink all day
- Came home from school, had small or no meal with Crystal Lite
- Pretty much stayed home and went online
- Drank Crystal Lite at night
College - Unhealthy Lifestyle - Gained 70lbs over 5 years
- Overslept, got coffee and egg sandwich from Dunkin’ Donuts
- Went to class
- Break between classes = energy drink, 5 Hour Energy, or adderall
- Went to next class
- Go to work (starving by this point—might grab bag of chips, another energy drink, or some snack)
- Went home, 2-3 bowls of pasta or 2 sandwiches
- Probably did homework; probably did more caffeine or adderall
- Would eat again when roommates came home
- Would go out and drink (mostly hard liquor, maybe with more uppers)
- Probably another snack (leftover pizza, chips) before going to bed
Today - Post-College Healthy-Lifestyle - Lost 60lbs in 1 year (and still going!)
- Wake up at 6:30 to make omelette or egg tacos
- Go to design job - snack on carrots, almonds, or a banana while I’m there
- 2 hour lunch break: make a sandwich or salad and walk my dog for an hour
- Go to teaching job - piece of fruit and maybe a snack with the kids (they always offer me cookies or crackers and I usually nibble one, but never more than that)
- Have another snack post-work: usually nuts or fruit
- Go straight to do cardio or CrossFit
- Have a high-protein light dinner: sushi, veggie-burger salad, stir fry or sandwiches are my fave
- Walk the dog again with my boyfriend or roommtae
- Go to sleep around 11
Now which one of those seems the most pleasant? I’m always awake-feeling; I snack all of the time; I eat amazing, clean food; and I enjoy the most of my day. Losing weight and getting fit is hard work but just the process itself is rewarding.
how did you start?
How did I start losing weight? SLOWLY. Like slow as a turtle. Like sleepy-baby-turtle slow.
I have arthritis and a slipped disk in my back. I had chronic backpain for yeeears and two months before joining the gym I had to get transported to the ER because in an ambulance because I moved the wrong way, collapsed, and couldn’t move. After about a week I was able to walk again, and then my doctor yelled at me to lose weight.
And I was like “oh… was that the problem the whole time?” I literally went straight from his office to the gym near my house and signed up.
At first I could only do the elliptical for about 10min at the lowest intensity! Mostly because of pain and a little because I was out of breath. It took me over a month to be able to get up to 30min on it, but in my first month I lost about 7lbs.
And now I can run about 2 miles, I’m a Crossfitter, and I’m 100% pain free! And I get better every day! So now I’m like:
The most competent little turtle in the world.
Okay fitspos, one other thing bugging me from last night.
Everyone was like “omfg you lost soo much weight” and it really was sweet. (Thanks for all your responses btw.) PLUS I was wearing a new shirt from H&M now that I can officially fit into their large size again. So I really was feeling pretty hot.
BUT I had a total episode of Marissa’s Afraid To Eat. I occasionally get these attacks, what I call “food phobias,” where I will basically become terrified of eating in a certain situation or eating the specific foods presented. I haven’t had one in months though and was hoping they’d gone away. Nope.
So basically last night, I became terrified of eating a slice of free pizza in front of people I work with. It’s not like I didn’t want a piece. It was that I wanted it suuuuper badly but was terrified of getting a piece.
(I know some thinspos are like “of course you shouldn’t eat pizza” but I rarely do and I don’t believe in depriving myself of any food. Moderation is my game.)
The fact that it happened was a little weird in itself (haven’t had an attack in a good few months), but the trigger was the weird part.
I don’t believe in fat/health shaming. Never have, never will. But what made me freak out was the presence of another woman in the room. Probably well over 300lbs, with gobs of bad (one infected) piercings, poorly-done tattoos and really overgrown/yellow fingernails.
I think it was in large part because I was the only other person in the room with visible piercings, but I basically became paranoid that people would think I looked like her or would see me eating and think I was fat. Even though while this was happening everyone was telling me how skinny I looked I became suuuuper panicky about eating.
Does anyone have any similar experiences to this? I’d basically like to know if this is something that happens to fitspos or anyone who used to have an ED. Also if you think my reaction to an obese person could be considered bigoted. I really don’t want to be a bitch :/ Use my ask if you wanna leave a longer answer.
AFTER I found out I’m down another pants size, today I’m down another pound! 205.5!!!!!!!
The last time I saw that number on the scale was with a brief bout of bulimia. And I couldn’t shed a pound. But I know it’ll only be a matter of a few weeks before I hit 199! My 50 pound goal!
l;jsdflajadsfsdfa;sklf; THIS WEEK ;laksdjfa;lsjfl
Goddamn it I love my life.
You can actually chart my weight-gain through gpoy of me at galleries. And now, you can see my weight-loss!! They’re all on Facebook. Next gallery I’m going to make a beautiful fat collage of it all.
But for now, this is what everyone was flippin’ out about the other night. Thanks for making me go out again and be social Tumblr <3
how are you loosing weight? honestly i just want to look in the mirror and feel pretty about myself.
Anon, I’m more than 200 pounds and I feel pretty as shit about myself. No amount of weight loss is going to change how you feel. You need to love yourself. Hell I started feeling pretty once I was like 230!
That said, here is my recipe for success:
- Find out what makes you happy (your height, reading, walking, cooking… whatever)
- Find out what makes you sad/depressed/anxious (social situations, your legs, math… everything)
- Get a game plan to make yourself happier. Journal entries, therapy, cutting out TV, weight loss… all things I’ve done to get me to the healthy emotional state I’m in. But it can’t just be weight loss!
- IF you do decide that weight loss is part of that, you can see more in my Marissa Explains It All section about what I do. I recommend going to a professional trainer or dietitian, but this is what works for me.
But I want to stress! If you don’t do it healthily and don’t do it to better your whole life (not just what others thing about you) it’ll be a stupid, unsuccessful, crash diet like everything else. You
I don’t have a TV so I didn’t actually know who this was but HOLY HELL this is amazing! She went into rehab for bulimia and self-harm and is now campaigning against it!? This is the sort of roll model little girls need.