February 2011 - February 2013

Dallas NABPC - New Orleans Mardi Gras

70lb difference

I love my job, but it’s painful to realize that losing weight has, by itself, been even more helpful in my success than improving my skills as a body painter. How screwed up is that? Two years ago not a damn soul noticed me. Last week it was compliment after compliment after free drink. It’s hard not to feel weird about it, honestly, even if I’ve enjoyed the change.

I don’t really think I was prepared for the emotional weirdness of weight loss, but here it is. The photoset that sums up the past two years of my life more than anyone else.

[Here were my 2013 goals.] How am I doing after month number one?

• Weight: on track! down 4lbs since New Year’s and 72lbs since my heighest! 178lbs and 27% body fat even! Current long-term goal is around 165lbs or 15% body fat, which should be attainable some point between June and December.
• Running: better than thought! My goal was to get my mile time to around 10:15 consistantly, but I ran a 9:21 mile a few weeks ago and 3 miles in 31:05 today. So I’m going to up the ante: new goals are to get my 5k (3.1 miles) under 31:00 by June and around 30:00 by December. Holy cow!
• Lifting: on track, I think. I won’t bore you with the numbers, but my goal was to about double what I was lifting and I’ve started to already see improvement. I’m not sure if this was a realistic goal to start, but I’m definitely improving which makes me feel great!
• Sleeping and food: amazing! nutrition is great. Homemade everything, sticking to an almost entirely plant-based diet. Mostly veggies, a few eggs, and some random stuff like tofu and homemade gluten free waffles. No complaints! Plus 7-9hrs of sleep a night HOLLA

I am the fucking happiest person every right now, okay?

This is down from 183 around the holidays and 250 two years ago

:)

Going to take measurements again tomorrow to get a better idea of my progress, and have a nice big post tomorrow about month one of my 2013 goals!

Celebrating with homemade Indian food for dinner (vegan Palak Paneer and Bindi Masala) and hanging out with my besties aka boyfriend, roommate, and dogs.

I’m like on the verge of having panic attacks because I haven’t weighed myself in going on three weeks.

I don’t think about my weight at all when I weight myself every day. I feel in control. Granted, if there’s been no shift by the end of the week it’s a bit discouraging (I’m going to measure body fat twice a month to see where that’s at) but I don’t think about it often.

I take averages for the week. I have all the data to process in my brain. I know my morning weight and my afternoon weight. I know if my diet is working or what makes me bloat.

And then I don’t worry about it. I just analyze it.

But I seriously have been thinking about my weight every few hours for more than 15 days because I could be anywhere within a 10lb area.

I feel like crap. Once I’m off my period I’m going to get back to measuring everyday, but maybe that’s unhealthy and why I’m feeling shitty?

Hit my ask if you have thoughts or answer below.

I have no idea why I’m suddenly so hysterical about something that doesn’t bug me very much.

Melissa told me I was getting obsessive over my weight, and I denied it—I like weighing myself every day because I get a good average of where I am. Not some one-day random data point.

So she said to take a two week break, and I agreed.

But every day not getting on the scale was so hard. And even though I was going to get on tomorrow since it’s the last day of the month, I’m on my period.

The first thoughts in my head when I got my period were “I don’t know how much I weight. I don’t know who I even am right now.”

No exaggeration.

I don’t think my weight controls my self worth or even my happiness, but two years into fitspo that number is a huge part of my identity.

I need to get out of my house more, or something…

And by sometimes I mean always.

• I hate how flabby my arms are.
• But my shoulders are looking jacked. They’re my favorite part right now.
• My arm pits are looking really cut and nice, which is weird but something I’ve noticed on gorgeous body builders!
• I can see biceps when I lift my arms to put my hair up or reach something
• I hate how huge my thighs are.
• But you can see all the muscles in them poking out of the fat!
• When I lift my legs you see all muscle, almost no fat.
• I don’t mind having big thighs, as long as they’re not squishy!
• My calves are coming along nicely.
• My hips and butt are getting suuuch a nice curve to them.
• I have fucking shin muscles from running! I’ve just started noticing them!
• I hate how fat my stomach is.
• When I do crunches it feels totally firm on top
• No love handles in back!
• My hip bones poke out, even though it’s such a fatty area!

Within the past three weeks:

• Friend joined my gym to start working out with me and learning more about fitness
• Another friend met me at Zumba to talk more about nutrition and my progress
• Boss laughed when someone mentioned they took a walk for lunch. “Are you trying to keep up with Marissa now?”
• Brother called me to ask me about post-lifting pain
• Yet another friend texted me to ask for nutrition book recs
• The usual texts/banter with Melissa, Josh, Rose and Rachel aka my fitspos <3

This is maybe the biggest victory I’ve ever had. To go from the fat friend to the fit one?

MAKES A GIRL FEEL GOOD.

And like the scale isn’t lying and I really am making progress.

Less than two years ago I could barely walk, stand, or sit because of my arthritus and slipped disk.

Today I ran 5k on my lunchbreak in under 33min. Less than 11mile/minute, with my fastest single-mile time being 9:16 a few weeks back.

LIKE A BOSS. THAT’S FUCKING RIGHT.

I’M NOT EVEN FAT ANY MORE STOP TAKING PITY ON ME YOU IDIOT

DO YOU EVEN LIFT!?

70lbs and counting!

I beat an eating disorder, obesity, panic disorder, and a slipped disk in my back. I’m getting strong, fast, flexible, and lean.

All with a magic weight loss pill! Its called “balanced nutrition, calorie counting, running, and weight lifting.”

So I’m making it official :) Just showered, now a post-gym protein sandwich and then taking another before/during! Hurray!!!!

Just weighted in at 180! 70 pounds lost!

I cried in the bathroom of my gym I got so overwhelmed.

Going to wait to get it on the scale a second time before I make it official (my body fluctuates so I could be back up to 182 or so tomorrow) but right now I’m fucking pumped.

Eat your heart out thinspo. I’m going out to have my cheat meal for my roommate’s birthday. Nachos!!!!!!

I promised myself two years ago that once I hit 179 I’ll stop calling myself fat. If I’m “healthy” weight, even by the BMI scale, I can’t keep calling myself fat. Today I had a mini spat with the boyfriend over this, because he think I’m being self deprecating.

But it’s just like saying I’m really tall, or that I have black hair, or that I have tattoos. It’s just a fact. People treat you differently because of it, and it’s just a fact of your life. It becomes engrained on your personality. I don’t feel badly about it: I simply state it because it’s true.

So even though I won’t be over weight anymore, I’ll always have the experiences. I’ll always be a fat person because I’ll always know what it’s like to try to go shopping or talk to a new person when you’re almost a size 20.

Even though I’ll look totally different, not being able to say “I’m fat” because it’s a fact is like one day randomly not being able to say “I’m tall” or “I have blue eyes.”

Even though you spent 23 years of your life a certain way, because you are not now, you  can’t lay claim to his major part of you anymore.

It’s how I’ve always thought of myself.

It’s a central part of who I am.

But not anymore?

I wasn’t ready for the bizarre emotional roller coaster that is weight loss.

Again, I’m mostly posting this for my own purpose, because organizing vague thoughts is really helpful. This is also all my progress (sort of) outside of what the scale says, so maybe you’ll find this helpful too!

Back

I always start with this because I have arthritis and a slipped disk in my lumbar. But, like usual when I’m in fitness-mode, I don’t feel a thing. It’s been a little sore the past few days with everything else, but the heating pad seems to be helping.

Stomach

I have no idea if this shit it is ever going to go back to how it was. I can now see my ribs when I stretch and suck in my stomach so you can see the contours of my hips/ribs, but it’s just so puffy and loose. I don’t mind the stretch marks (they’re barely noticeable) but I can’t for the life of me imagine how this thing is ever going to get smaller. It’s just lose skin. Hopefully if I just stat concentrating on insane ab exercises I can build enough muscle to make up for some of the skin, but who knows… this is the saddest part…

Arms

I’m probably back to my July definition which is good shoulders, light bicep/tricep when I’m flexing. I think part of the problem (or maybe the whole thing) is how bad my form is with my arms, so I’m thinking about moving off free weights onto the machines for these so my shoulders can stop compensating for everything. BUT I do have that cool muscle-dent around my arm pit now (TMI haha) which makes the front of my shoulders look great. Also going to get better at charting progress so I start lifting heavier too!

Legs / Butt

Definitely making more progress here than anywhere else. My butt has a nice shape and like half the size that it used to be, and you can now see my leg muscle when I’m just standing, despite how much fat they still have on them! Mostly in my quads, but my calves are getting there too. I want to build my butt faster than the quads though (since I run and squat like a maniac) so I’m going to start incorporating more exercises that uses my hamstrings/butt more than just my quads/butt. I’m pumped that I’m going to have weight lifter thunder thighs, because they’re such practical muscles, but I still want my butt to be bigger than them!

Injuries

So I have hyper mobile joints (they actually leave the socket a bit to be super flexible) and I’m incredibly injury prone. This means I concentrate a shit ton on my form, and listen to pain. Here’s what’s currently wrong with me:

• Lumbar: A little soreness recently, but nothing worrying! A slipped disk, arthritis, and a pinched nerve are what originally made me start working out. I needed to lose weight to avoid ending up in a wheel chair, and I dare say it worked haha
• Right rotator cuff: Screwed this up bench pressing, still not the same after a year. Nothing new to report except I think I’m going to stick to pushups now. Even the super light bench presses are aggravating it, but I’m getting pretty competent at pushups for the first time in my life! It’s exciting and doesn’t bug my shoulder.
• Lately: left ankle, right hamstring. I don’t know what I did, but I’m assuming it involves too much cardio. My right ankle is hurting when I extend it on the treadmill or when running, but stairs and walking is fine. It’s been a few weeks but only when I really push myself. Might look into physical therapy next month. Also I think I pulled my right hamstring. Even bending over sucks. Gahhh…

This is mostly for my personal benefit, but some of you might think this is interesting. Especially because I’m god awful at math but this is really fun!!

• I currently weigh 182.5lbs
• My body fat percentage is 28.3%
• I have 51lbs of fat left on me, which means I can never weight lower than 131lbs if I want to live.
• If I want to get down to around 15% body fat (a vague goal of mine), I need to burn (about) another 23lbs of fat. So close!
• My goal weight will be between 160-170lbs if you factor this in and then how much muscle I want to put on.
• I started at 250lbs and have lost over 65lbs. This means I’m about 3/4 of the way to my ultimate goal!

This is how you scientifically set goals and chart progress. Not by choosing a random number as you “UGW,” but by using tools and math to better your understanding about your body.

Now time to get back to work.